Mother's Day

Four years ago today was Mother's Day.
A day I tasked myself with presenting you with the perfect card I spent forever searching for to help me achieve my goal of making you cry like I did every year. You would look forward to seeing what card I picked determined not to cry but year after year I would succeed and you would yell at me and tell me how mean I was.
Four years ago today I was with my friends when I got a phone call that would forever change my life. I knew the moment my phone rang, I knew something was wrong and I knew it was you leaving me.
Four years ago today our mothers day would forever be reversed because you never got my card and you never cried... I did.
Its been four years and I still haven't truly grieved for you but I feel the glass cracking under the weight of loosing you, of loosing a tradition we had. Things weren't always great for us but each year like clockwork we danced our dance but this year I'm sad. This year, this mother's day week I'm overwhelmed and I've grieve.
I'm sad and I'm angry and I'm depressed. My subconscious seems to know something was off because I was different before I knew why. My family has asked me this week what was wrong and I could just say I was having a bad day.
It wasn't until yesterday I knew why, I realised when it was and you're not here for our time. You're suppose to be, I was suppose to have many more years. I was suppose to run out of cards to make you cry, but you left me and I never got to give you your card.
I'm angry, I'm angry at you!
You weren't suppose to leave me.
You were suppose to cry then yell at me because you cried.
We were suppose to laugh and bond over a stupid card.
Now I just cry.
I love you Mom,
Happy Mother's Day

Difficulties of being a parent that doesn't participate in gender conformities...

Greetings members of the Homeland!

I know it's been a while and I feel like I only write when i'm stressed, sorry we keep meeting this way.

Today's topic is a little touchy so if you are easily offended (which is most likely not the case since you are here) then I suggest you move on to another blog.

In my household we don't conform to any specific gender or what someone believes should only belong to a certain group of people based off of something that is backwards anyway. Most people associate "blue" with boys and "pink" with girls, why I could not begin to understand. In fact this is backwards. Blue was once thought of as dainty and delicate being prettier for girls and pink was stronger and better for boys. Now a days if you go into a store you will see pink dresses and shirt in the girls clothing sections and Barbie's, horses and princess items in the toy section. Now if you were to go onto the boys side you would see blue shirts and suits in the clothing section and sports items, guns and a tougher breed of animals/dolls (I may not be able to even use the word "dolls" here). Who is it that decided girls can't be cops or service members bent on protecting others or get dirty on the football field scoring a goal and I don't mean in some stupid powder puff game where girls are expected to dress as tramps and prance around for men to look at? Who says boys cant play dress up whether its dolls or themselves or be a cheerleader? Who are we to tell someone they are wrong for wanting to wear or play with something that others view as wrong? The correct answer here is, No we have no right to tell someone how to feel or what they can wear or do. Soldiers put their lives on the line everyday to protect our freedoms and damn it that includes our freedom to wear and do as we please and NOT to have to answer others criticizing questions when you let your child do just that.

This whole thing has stemmed from the most recent incident with my son and his bus driver. My son has been riding the same bus for two years and has had most the same style the whole time. His wardrobe consists of three piece suits, basketball sets, zombie shirts and Jordans as well as pink snow boots and zebra flip flops with pink glitter thongs. I remember when he first wore his pink boots which he stole from his sister (with her permission of course). He absolutely LOVED those pink snow boots with pink fur at the top and refused to wear much else for a long time. He wore these boot to the grocery store, school, the playground and church. Fast forward a few months later and we are at the department store getting my daughter new flip flops as hers had finally died. Like any other child my son wanted new flip flops as well and i figured what the hell its $10. He looked through the aisles while his sister did the same but once she tried and settled on a pair of zebra flip flops with pink glitter thongs my son was immediately sold and quickly asked to have a matching pair. That day my children were so happy and left the store wearing their new shoes and even excitedly posed for a picture highlighting them. My son wore those shoes everywhere just as he had done with his boots. I even found myself toting a 5 yr in a dress shirt, khakis and zebra flip flops to church one sunday where he proudly showed all his friends his new shoes. Some people may think this makes me a bad parent and criticize my methods but I don't care for my child is happy and that's all I DO care about.

Yesterday I received a phone call from the assistant principal at my sons school at 0915 just around an hour after school had started. She informed me there was an incident on the bus involving my son. SHe went on to explain to me that my child had brought a fake wedding set to school with him (which I gave him permission to do as they were his as long at he kept them on his fingers and did not cause a distraction with them)  and his bus driver didn't believe him when he said they were his and made him hand them over. My daughter was on the bus and corroborated his statements. I informed the VP that I gave him permission and that they where in fact his and she needed to return them to my child which she stated she would pass on to the driver. Now my child was so distraught about losing his property that he said he wanted to die and that he was going to drown himself in the school pond. The rest of his day was shaped by this unnecessary act this bus driver felt the need to do before pulling out from in front of my driveway where she could have easily consulted me.

This incident marks the THIRD time this same driver has taken things from my son, one of those resulting in my child being the only one to state she took something and the item wasn't returned for two days. My son had a bangle with a large ruby studded heart taken from him as well as a necklace with a heart charm on it. This driver has seen him wear shoes that she may consider not geared toward his gender so why would she feel the need to take jewelry from him even after his sister says they are his? My son has asked every time before he takes jewelry to school TO WEAR and each time he has had them taken away.

I cant help but think this driver is bullying him for having "feminine" items as she never has an issue when he brings his football or gun casings to show his teacher. With this pattern what is a mom to think? I respect the fact that she has her own opinions and she is entitled to them but what she is not entitled to is imposing them on my child. If she has an issue with what he is wearing then she should bite her tongue in my child's presence and complain when she gets home. Bus drivers and teachers are just as important as parents and civil servants. Officers have a lot of influence on children and they are constantly analyzed. Bus drivers are the first people outside of a home that most children encounter on a school day and the last one when they come home. Their behavior can make or break that child for the day and when they abuse that children can get hurt. School age children are very impressionable and telling a child they are lying because an item they have doesn't fall in what you perceive as normal is not ok.

Please think twice when interacting with children as that one "innocent" comment can lead to a lifetime of self worth issues among other things such as suicide. Treat others children as you would want yours to be treated and lets not teach them to color in the lines, life has no lines.

>^-^<

The greatest gift of Christmas

First I would like to wish those who celebrate Christmas a Merry Christmas!!! If you don't then I hope you had a good week and didn't catch thus nasty flu death bug that is going around. I on the other hand did lol. I am writing to you from a DayQuil induced coma which is better then the NyQuil induced coma I was in Christmas night. I have lived off of NyQuil/Dayquil,, Tylenol, cough drops, throat spray, ginger ale, pudding and an insane amount of Kleenex after the hospital told me I had the killer "Captain Trips" flu Christmas night., I am finally functional after drugging myself and sleeping for 19 hours so if your sick that's my recommendation lol.

Ok Christmas.... This year has been very tough on money so Santa delivered the lost presents that fell out in his sleigh to my house leaving the tree somewhat bare. However my favorite gift that I am so thankful for this Christmas was taking my little minions to Christmas Eve Mass and Applebee's where they left a napkin covered in "Merry Christmas" and our families names for our waiter. He was very attentive and friendly despite having to work on Christmas Eve. He made sure my kids were happy and their chocolate milk never ran out but most of all he kept a huge friendly smile on his face which we all returned. After dinner we went home and curled up under a blanket and watched All Dogs Go To Heaven before I tucked my most cherished pieces of my life into bed to wait for Santa. Of course during the night Santa ate his cookies and forced down almost 16 ounces of milk before leaving presents under the tree that the cats immediately went to investigate. This was followed by some sleep then little footsteps and voices coming up the stairs at 730 in the morning. I only got upset at the hour for about two, seconds before my Christmas spirit which had been lacking all season kick in and I realized how absolutely grateful and lucky I was to hear that sound. My beautiful children came up to me and told me Santa had come!!! After holding down the poor cat for a few minutes and jumping on the dog they decided it was time to open their gifts. Now daddy didn't get much sleep the night before but the kids were good sports and waited about an hour for daddy to actually get out of bed and go buy everyone coffee and orange juice. My minions each got one "big gift" and a few small gifts. My daughter who's eight, got her very own Kindle (the original eBook reader) because she loves to read and has recently started reading the Harry Potter books. She was ecstatic and had read two books after we got her all registered and set up. My son who is four got a VSmile with six games but my daughter liked it more. Why? Because he got LEGOS!!!!!! Sadly my son know he got Legos just by picking up the wrapped tub. He is just like me lol. He got a Lego airplane last year so we got him a huge tub with like five different projects in it including a space rover this year. He barely made it through unwrapping the rest of his gifts because he just wanted to build cars with his Legos lol. After family play time we went out to fulfill my husbands Jewish Christmas tradition of Chinese food. The little man just wanted five gallons of ice cream and my daughter octopus ::gag:: which turned into real food and tons of desert after for everyone but me. I ate chocolate pudding, I'm sick remember! Don't judge me lol.

This brings my Christmas holiday to a close. I'm not grateful for the gifts or the food, yes they were nice but that's not what the holiday is about, for me at least. I enjoyed my family. They are the greatest gift god could give me this Christmas season.
(I could have done without the flu however)

I hope you had a wonderful holiday and that it continues into the new year!

This is harder then I thought

When I started this blog I thought it would be fun and invigorating. I have always loved to write so this naturally seemed like an awesome adventure. Unfortunately my first and last blog was over 7 months ago and I do not find this as easy as I thought it would be. This has been a very difficult year and I am often in a war over what I should and should not share. I've never been one to censor myself and for the most part I do as I please and screw you if you don't like it. I'm not here to please others or beg them to like me or approve of my actions. I am a 26 year old woman who is fully capable of making her own adult decisions. However this troubling year has forced me into admitting a crime from my childhood that I've avoided for years only to be blamed for admitting it. This childhood crime has come back to haunt me in the worst way possible. It's hard to admit your a "victim" but even harder to admit your lack of voice created more victims. Every time you pick up a newspaper or turn on your television you are a peeping tom into the private lives of normal people that have found themselves in the most horrendous life altering situations. You take pity on them and hope they work through this hard time they are facing or are already knee deep in and often times you find yourself thinking of things you would do to these horrid offenders that thoughtlessly wreck a strangers life. However when the story ends those strangers are often forgotten and you go about your life thinking these things won't happen to you. These thoughts are our worlds downfalls because when they do happen we often don't believe it or are to shocked to take appropriate steps. This is where I found myself at the beginning of the year. I had all but forgotten this childhood crime that only the offender and myself knew about until it snaked itself back into the center of my life. I often blame myself for allowing this person to violently rip away another's innocence, especially an individual who's innocence I hold so close. In my silence I have changed so many lives and not for the better and before you go calling me a whinny self centered attention seeker hear me out. I am not telling you this because I want pity or attention I am just finally allowing my feelings to come out in a "healing" way somewhere outside a small room occupied by a counselor.

I am certain this is a frustrating unfinished blog but it has been sitting in my to be posted box for a few days now so obviously I'm not going to expand on this more at the current moment so I may as well post it so I can move onto another post.

If an introduction is what you seek then look no further

Whether you stumbled upon me or purposely found yourself here doesn't matter you are welcome either way. What you are likely to run into while your here is unknown but I assure you life is what happens here and this is just a taste of what my life brings. Now I'm sure you would like to know who I am and why you would want to read about my crazy, complicated and not always happy life so here goes.

Here is a list of things I am, now this is a long list but I did state I have a crazy life.
I am an actress, model, firefighter, EMT-B, volunteer, baker, friend, daughter, sister, wife and mother. I don't always have enough time to juggle these things but it's what I love so I struggle to make time everyday and sometimes fail at it. No one is perfect and I am far from it so don't beat yourself up when you fall just get back up and try again. I have been knocked down plenty and just when I thought I couldn't go on something and/or someone comes along with an outreached hand and we make it through together.

I started modeling in 2006 because I had nothing better to do... No big secret there lol. I love to be infront of the camera so it's naturally a second home to me. I have worked with quite a few different photographers who all have a different eye and thought on how things should come together. It's amazing to see the world through someone elses eyes and that's exactly what modeling does. You look at a picture and if the model and photographer are talented you should be able to see exactly what they were trying to tell you through an otherwise flat and lifeless image. I moved into acting when a director saw my work and had to have me in his movie, there was no looking back from there.
I was cast in my first movie in 2009 (Nudist Camp Zombie Massacre by MMJ Video), I played the dumb big busted blond that runs up the stairs in the horror movie. Well it was more along the lines of the big brunette that walks up to the zombie and asks questions before getting eaten... Classy huh. However before I filmed this movie I took a role as an extra in another feature film called Premise of Duality by New Wave Productions which makes AH-Mazing movie btw. This role was very very small, we are talking the fly on the horses butt no one could get rid of small lol but I was hooked. The director was amazing and has become a good friend of mine and I work with him whenever I can. After filming these two movies in 2009 life got in the way and I didn't film again for 2 years. Just this past year (2011) I worked on three films, Remembering by Condemned Productions where I got my first leading role as Jane and worked beside the amazing Kim Hong; Workplace Schemes by Red Parrot was my second lead role as Sarah where I got to play on the green screen which was weird and crazy fun; Right to Remain Silent by New Wave Productions was a pretty intense film where I played Desta. This film was very unique like all of Brians films not only did I get screen time with the lead actor and lead actress but I got a chance to work with union members. I learned a lot on this film, how to show more emotion, project my voice, slow my speech down to be understood easier and lets not forget how NOT to play spades. Desta didn't know how to play spades and it's still an ongoing joke that I didn't fake the scene because I still can't play spades.
Since finishing these films I haven't had a lot of time to invest in other projects and it has been absolutely killing me. I have had plenty of opportunities but something always comes up work, gas money, doctors appointment or some event I already promised I would attend. I see all my acting friends auditioning and getting roles while I dutifully go to work but that's life. I just got cast as Christy in a new two part film so good things come to those who wait. Not only do I have two new movies but I get to work with a director and actors I've never worked with which is always exciting.

Moving on to firefighting and EMS :)
Most people are surprised when they hear about this side of my life. Who really sees a girl like me with long hair who likes to wear heels and dresses who acts/models running into burning building and wearing clothes caked in dirt and blood. Truth is I can't NOT help people, helping people helps me and that's what keeps me going back day after day. I joined my first fire department in 2008 as a firefighter recruit. I went through Fire 1 and found out I was completely unprepared for a life as a firefighter. I struggled through the whole class and flunked out two weeks before graduation which hurt like hell. I was in a fire house full of guys who still felt a girl didn't belong and here I was telling them they were wrong because I'm just as good as they are... Then I failed and they were right. I struggled with this for a long time but I have since then told myself I will take the class again and pass because I will be better prepared for what they have to throw at me. After fire class I moved onto EMT-B which suits me better. I went through EMT class twice before passing it, the first time I failed was because my "partner" was nervous and missed a bunch of steps. I used to blame her but in reality I should have helped her more so we could have both passed.  My second time through they no longer tested you in pairs so I made it through pretty easily. I love the feeling I get helping someone, their problems may not seem emergent to you but to them they need something only you can give them even if that's an ear that listens. I've saved lives and lost lives in this job that I volunteer for but I wouldn't change it for the world. The worst call I've ever had was the only person I've ever lost but I did EVERYTHING I could to save them. After working on them for an hour and a half I made my way back to my station in a daze covered in blood. I had to shower and wash my clothes up to and including my belt and shoes before I could restaff my unit. That call still haunts me to this day but I know that family knows I did my best and they don't blame me for not saving them. It's times like these that you realize how precious life is and that you should live it for you and do those things you don't think you have time for.

This brings us into cooking... I know I know horrid segway but what do you want from me???
I absolutely LOVE to cook... Well bake really. I love to tweak recipes and come up with my own creations or just bake your average chocolate cupcake. I bet you'r wondering why I said chocolate cupcake and not chocolate cake well you see I have a love affair with cupcakes ::squee:: I can and will make anything in cupcake or as I like to refer to them as single serving size. I usually bake well enough that my friends and family actually buy my goods, enter Abrams Baked Creations (also known as AB Creations). However I can't always make good stuff... I was given a cupcake challange a few weeks ago and it was a pretty big failure to be honest. I was to create a cupcake out of three things, chocolate, orange (zest to be specific) and the color blue. The cupcake itself was like two unicorns having a party in your mouth and my kitchen smelled good enough to eat. Ok my cupcake on paper, a blood orange Cadbury egg stuffed chocolate cupcake topped with blue blood orange flavored frosting. To me this sounded to die for but somehow the dying happened from the paper to the physical form.  The cupcake turned out amazingly moist and exactly like I planned minus the Cadbury eggs because I couldn't find any. So the failure you ask... Duh duh duh... The frosting in all its ugly blue crappy glory. Because I had to incorporate blue in this some how and decided not to go with my secondary plan of fudge frosting with blue chocolate disks ontop I had to make a frosting I could dye. I made an orange flavored frosting to go with the cake and used butter as a base. Turns out acid and cream aren't the best of friends, who knew! The frosting tasted ok but looked horrid and all that butter didn't make your tummy happy so cupcake will make a repeat performance but that frosting with stay dead we all hope. One of my most popular is my mini cheesecakes and my mini upside down pineapple cakes mmmm totally making cheesecake this week. Baking calms me down, when I've had had a bad day I bake my stress away. Hmmm that sounded kinda cheesy huh. I like to decorate my baked goods as well but that's where it gets a little weird. I bake to reduce stress but the act of piping flowers and what not stresses me out more because it has to be perfect and my need to be perfect stresses me out... Yep self sabotage.

Now to end this list and this long intro blog we will touch on my family and friends.
I have a very interesting collection of friends, some more like family then others. I don't have a huge amount of friends but it's not about quantity as much as it is about quality. I am a very crazy, loud, obnoxious and hard to handle person so you either love me or you hate me simple as that. If you love me then you have a pretty good chance of sticking around in my life because I have no time or patients for negativity. You are almost always guaranteed a lot of laughing when you'r with me because I'm usually the life of the party, I usually do the stupid stuff no one else will do.
As for my family life it's another complicated thing. I have two wonderfully beautiful kids, a 7 to girl and a 3 yo boy. My daughter is a few days away from the end or her first grade school year and is a great student. She asked me a few months ago if she could be an actress when she grew up and naturally I told her she could be whatever she wanted. We talked about it and shes decided to start acting now and she got cast into her first role shortly after. She plays the lead in Daisy a horror movie naturally so that required a long discussion about what she can and can not say/do in real life that she may or may not be able to do in a film and how anything that happens on set is fake. The last thing I need is a 7 yo little girl that thinks someone really hates her when its only a character but she's smart and of course I already know that mommy!!! Lol
My son starts preschool this coming school year which is exciting. He is already super smart; he can count, read a clock, tell you his colors, do some addition problems and many other things. I'm pretty sure he will wiz through preschool and continue to amaze people. We work very hard to educate our children and it shows.
Ah my husband, complication again. I have been with my husband for 9 years and happily married for 8. We have had our fair share of issues just like anyone else but we work through them. Falling in love is the easy part it's staying in love that's the hard part. We have had many arguments some worst then others but at the end of the day we still love eachother. I still get butterflies when he kisses me and can't stand to be away from him 9 years later. Everything that happens in our lives tests us and strengthens us which is how we can still be in love with eachother after so many things threaten to tear us apart. I will let you in on one of our ongoing battles and I'm sure I will write about it again. My husband is terminally ill, he has progressive multiple sclerosis also known as MS. I wrote something when I was raising money for the MS Walk in Culpeper Va 2012 and it may help if you read it.

Why I Walk

I met my amazing husband 9 years ago and sadly there has always been something "off" about him. He didn't notice anything but I did. Even times I brought it to his attention he rarely saw the small things. Seven years later and loads of whining (on my part of course) we started what has become our never ending cycle, we set an appointment with a neurologist. A few tests and days later we had a diagnosis... Parkinsons disease. After accepting this and trying to ignore the giant elephant in the room that doesn't seem to leave things took a turn for the worst. My husbands symptoms changed and intensified sending us into the emergency room where the doctor threw two simple letters out of his mouth that sent our world crashing down as if it had not been destroyed by the Parkinsons and lit up bright neon lights within that elephant no one liked. With no feeling at all he said my husbands symptoms sounded like MS but not to worry about it just follow up with our doctor and just like that he was gone. It's extremely terrifying to have someone who is supposed to fix you tell you that they can't really help you then find out a year and three MRIs later they were wrong but there's still nothing they can do. Since then our lives have been filled with many different medications that don't help and wont cure anything.

This is why I walk. So maybe one day I can look at my husband and see the love in his eyes for me that he's bound to forget, or maybe he can WALK our daughter down the isle on her wedding day. If this isn't possible in our lifetime it's just as important for some other little girl to have her daddy involved in her most important day of her life and husbands and wives don't have to remind their spouses that they have been in love for years.

My husband has been on chemo for a while in hopes that we could slow down his symptoms. The chemo is a low dose that he's able to do at home once a week which leaves him sick for more then 24 hours and very soar and tired. He decieded to stop chemo treatment about 3 weeks ago, he hasn't noticed a difference.

I think I'm going to bring this very long entry to an end. I wanted to get key points in my life out so we are somewhat on the same page here and I'm pretty sure I've accomplished that. If you'r still with me after all that I hope you learn something from me even if it's just a better appreciation for life.

Until next time,
>^-^<